Tasteless yet so tasty!L. helped

Tasteless yet so tasty!

L. helped me make a double batch of tasteless yet tasty totally inappropriate anatomically correct vulva and penis cookies (for my class tomorrow as I do my Wittig/Le Guin presentation)

Sugar cookies and gingerbread to make them symbolically bi-racial… The vulvas have red-hots for clitorises and the penises and vulvas both have a creamy lemon frosting.

Mmmm!

They look SO NASTY yet so martha stewart.

Was going to get those silver BBs to make some of them pierced, but it was 10 bucks for a tiny little spice-jar size container of BBs, so I didn’t.

Once I was elbow-deep in cookie dough, I remembered, gradually, that all the other times I made them:

A) the molasses ginger cookie dough is too sticky
B) it also puffs up really big so I got huge brown penises and pencil-dick white ones
C) and huge fat brown vulvas and delicate thin white vulvas/labia
D) it’s not the Lemon Glaze it’s the Quick Lemon Icing.
E) but since I made the glaze by accident, might as well use it too
F) because it melts into the cookies and tastes really good under the thick white variety of icing

I have no idea if this goes way over the line for a school setting, but if they’ve all read the Wittig, they’ve already dealt with more people pissing all over each other and descriptions of vulvas and vaginas than one would expect in a class… soooo…. why the hell not…

Can’t remember when I invented these – it was certainly back in 21st St. Co-op days so that would be late 80s or early 90s.

You need a dough that can be handled – sugar cookie recipies work well. Maybe peanut butter or ginger snaps would be better for the brown variety.

To make the vulvas:

1) roll a cookie dough snake about 4″ long and maybe 1/2 to 3/4″ thick
2) lay it on the cookie sheet
3) fold it in half to make the labia majora – pinch the ends to make a sort of canoe shape. I always think vaguely of some quote from Inanna about the narrow boat of heaven…
4) use your pinkie to make the urethra first, then a vagina below it
5) put in a red hot
6) make another “snake” and flatten it for the labia minora. Here is where you can really have fun because you want your inner labia to be all shapes and sizes. Tee Corinne’s Cunt Coloring Book is good for inspiration, as is Chapter 9 of Burton’s translation of The Perfumed Garden.
7) It works well to have your inner labia meet right over the red hot; pinch together for clitoral hood and shaft
8) edible BBs for piercings are optional…

For the penises:

You have to keep in mind that making them big means they are kind of big for individual cookies and also can be a problem for structural integrity. Small works better!

1) roll penis shaft – whatever thickness… make some of them curvy… some straight… etc. Consult your favorite live models, porn mags, or Chapter 8 of The Perfumed Garden if you feel retro.
2) put them on the cookie sheet and pat them down a bit
3) make 2 balls roughly equal (or whatever) and put them on at the base
4) roll another ball to be the glans – fold it over slightly and pinch it for a great urethra effect
5) stick it on the shaft so it overlaps a bit. Voila!
6) you could add piercings or vary the design to make some of the penises uncut…

Frost them while they’re still warm, you get a fabulous and kind of disgusting melty result of sticky and glazed-doughnut looking shininess combined with thicker spots of the frosting that looks white. Ewwww! But very good!

Strawberry jelly can also be used for the vulvas: great for puberty initiation rites, PMS parties, vampires, or newly joined Hell’s Angels!

If you serve these to people who are drunk or a bit uninhibited you get some very good photo opportunities – usually involving vile and obscene licking of frosted vulvas.

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