Archive for January, 2004

There’s no such thing as too much information

The uterus piñata: a large balloon in a plastic bag with paper towel tubes duct taped to it. Ovaries are bunched up newspaper. The plastic bag is crucial, as you can’t very well duct tape things to a balloon. Then, paper mache over it with newspaper, water, and flour. Don’t forget to embed a string, rope, or duct tape handle into the paper mache. Let it dry at least 1 day. Last time everyone made fun of me for putting like 3 layers on it and we could barely break it open. This time there is only 1 layer. We’ll see how it goes!

Nolly has her doubts about the whole proceeding. Don’t let her fool you; she has also had plenty of wine and some ideas about a “splat the sperm on the egg” game.

Rook is a bit perturbed by the frilly crepe paper. You must get the kind that is crinkly and comes in a roll. Without unrolling it, cut it into fringe (about 1/2 of the way through, and the closer-space the fringe, the better.)

Minnie and Nolly are very serious, hard workers!

We thought of a red jello placenta sealed in several layers of ziploc bag, but realized there were things more disgusting than jello placentas — and less likely to burst open on the floor. What if it burst open and ruined all the good candy in there? But will anyone want to eat the candy after seeing the other stuffing of the pinata?

Oh, I can think of someone who would eat the candy!

We discovered it’s best to use nail polish rather than paint. It dries faster and is way more glisteny. Also, it looks more realistic if you use red, then put some big purple blobs and some brown is also good. Okay, “good” is maybe not the right word.

Around and around and around with the rolls of crepe paper and the tape. Maybe I got a little crazy, and bossy, wanting it to look just perfect, with my insisting on taping it about 6 times every round? Sorry, I got out of control, it was the inspiration of the moment. Besides, it is especially poignant and meaningful if the object to be bashed with baseball bats and ruined in 5 minutes is constructed with loving care.

Note the way Minnie made the long fringy bits at the end of the fallopian tubes overlap the ovaries! Lovely!

All four of us are now piñata-making professionals!

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undersea

I have just come from an underwater paradise having helped to create a kelp forests in Jo’s dining room aka the “computer and art room”.

I also wish to add that as soon as she left the house for a few moments, one of her darling offspring began asking ominous questions about “those two things you mix together an then they sort of, like, explode, and that makes helium? Can we put it in the balloons? It would be like a scientific experiment.” Being who I am, I know that she is thinking of mixing baking soda and vinegar and is feeling hopeful about separating water into O2 and H2… I leave the room to check on other screaming kids (Moomin and Sophie) and send them to their corners… back into kitchen where vinegar has been found and there is something happening with a jar and a balloon… This not a good time to create more chaos and we must return to taping kelp streamers to the ceiling. I go back to the other guys. Sophie has somewhere obtained a sharp, tetanusy object that is sort of like a miniature Sophie sized ripsaw. You could murder someone with it. I remove the object…

Then all was quiet and there was no more nonsense for the next half hour. Go, me!

I was impressed with Eliz.’s analytical and persuasive powers. I had drawn a diagram of my plan for kelp-stringing on a paper, and she drew a completely legible counter-drawing of HER plan and coherently explained the plan to me.

I have a mad yearning to go to radio shack and buy some crap and do the hydrolysis experiment with upside down test tubes. maybe my dad will send me my old voltmeter thingie… if they still have it?

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The Perils of Pristeen

A great archive of cunt sprays and douches. I can’t decide which one is my favorite! They’re all so persuasive. Maybe the Lysol one.

On further browsing about this is a museum of menstruation and it’s really great!




and another thing

I know it’s pointless to carp on this book, but I couldn’t help thinking during the stupid “men have ritual sex with women so that the men get a direct line to god” speech in Davinci Code, well, what do the women do? and why do the women care – if they are so in fucking touch with god, why do they bother to play telephone line (telephone hole?) for the men? Very stupid. “Intercourse was the revered union of the two halves of the human spirit – male and female – through which the male could find spiritual wholeness and communion with God.” Oh please, what crap!

It is beginning to drive me crazy – the thought that anyone would think that they just learned something profound from this book… a bit like the horribleness of the book “J0nathan L1vingston Seagull” which is one of my most hated books ever.

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a firm hand

We signed a bazillion mysterious house papers today. I think we should get the keys and all next Tues, Wed. or thursday but it’s up in the air which day.

I have procured 2 fabulous sounding strippers for the baby shower and they said they are excited about participating in something so strange. I am minorly worried that the boys of our crowd will not behave properly. I will lecture them. After the way the girls showered cash (properly so) upon the greazy dude for the bachelorette party a year ago, I think it will go well. Our fabulous baby shower strippers offered to be completely nude but I opted for “keep the thongs on” mode.

Dr. Maxstinger the allergist yelled at me for even thinking for a second about ripping up the carpet in the new house. “Don’t even think about going near the house while the day laborers that you will hire and drop off there do all the work and haul it away.” He actually shook his finger at me. Then he lectured me some more about dust masks and gave me the fistful of assorted steroids that I requested. apparently my blood oxy was not all it should be. i like the powdery inhalers much better than the aerosol ones.

Allerg1sts and dent1sts! They get so pissed off at us for not flossing and for owning cats.

Druidsquirrel‘s sister seems to have the same thing I had with the Xtreme headache and stiff neck and strep together etc…. ow!! I hope she will be okay.

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gringismos

fue a mi clase de español… pues soy gringa estupida o mis orejas comprendan todo pero mi boca está demasiado …lenta? Se me olvidó las palabras… se me olvidó las conjugaciones etc. Que raro es que puedo leer y traducir de español a ingles, pero no puedo hablar normalmente en español. Que verguenza tengo…. Voy a blogear en el espanglish de vez en cuando para mejorarme. Pues en la clase anoche fui timida para unos momentos y entonces fue contestando las preguntas del profe facilmente. entonces sentí mucho mejor.

Ayyyyyy,…. y los putamadre mujeres muy yuppi (?) acerca de mi que nunca, nunca se callaron…. siempre estaban hablando blah blah blah unas a otras cuando hablaba el profesor. Me haces loca!

No voy a consultar mis diccionarios para ese blogging, debo escribo cualquier cosa que está en mi cabeza… solamente palabras y gramatica (muy mal!) que recuerdo, como si en conversación. coño! que inglespañol!

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I am a geek

Well, duh. Mildly amusing though heterosexist…

You are 59% geek
You are a geek. Good for you! Considering the endless complexity of the universe, as well as whatever discipline you happen to be most interested in, you’ll never be bored as long as you have a good book store, a net connection, and thousands of dollars worth of expensive equipment. Assuming you’re a technical geek, you’ll be able to afford it, too. If you’re not a technical geek, you’re geek enough to mate with a technical geek and thereby get the needed dough. Dating tip: Don’t date a geek of the same persuasion as you. You’ll constantly try to out-geek the other.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

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russian roulette for kids

Okay… Dear Japan… please… no more!

kaba-kick




notorious

As we were looking for strippers for this baby shower… especially lingering on Miss Muffy… Moomin came up. “What are you looking at Auntie Minnie? What are you looking at Mommy?”

“Um… pictures of sexy ladies, dear.”

“Oh.” *wanders off*

Oh dear…. heh heh heh…

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new social thing

I am fascinated with Orkut, the “new improved friendster”. If nothing else it has led me to an interesting new blog: Just Kristin. I can’t link to my blog from Orkut as I use my real name.

If only they’ll take my suggestion and add the “slam book” capability… so that I could check a box to allow or even request for people to make negative comments about me! Maybe no one would have the nerve, and anonymous comments would lead to pointless mean spamming. but, like, what if all my friends were secretly, all of them, thinking, “for god’s sake, woman, brush your teeth more often! And sit up straight! Quit picking your nose! Get something done! Quit spinning yer wheels you narcissistic dorkwad!” Maybe then I’d quit picking my nose. It would be a useful thing!

Or I could just hang out with my mom more often and invite her to nag me. Hrmm. I guess the outcome would be the same. I would ignore it.

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