doing everything

You know, ever since January I have been washing everything and taking out all the trash and cleaning and organizing and folding and putting away and grocery shopping and bill-paying and calling contractors and making appointments. I am losing it here. My attempts to do things like keep the kitchen table cleared off morning and evening are failing miserably.

And I haven’t unpacked everything yet and can’t find my books and haven’t done any school work in a WEEK. I look at it around 9:30pm and just can’t handle it and must find something byzantine or geological to read. I can’t find my proust book and it sucked anyway. Everything seems like drudgery. my brain is wading through molasses. I could not make the joropo transcription for piano come out right. I am good for nothing but housework tonight so i have been forcing myself to drearily do things like clean the catbox and fold up the cardboard boxes for recycling. everything still a mess though. it was clean on sunday morning.

I look around and try to identify why it is so messy. What the fuck. the table was clean quite recently. 1 phone book. my own phone book. a magazine of moomin’s. A book for my bilingual project, listlessly got out and thumbed through a little. a slip of paper where moomin wrote the numbers 1-10. a flyer from the City of Deadwood Shitty. A paper with the song “los pollitos dicen”- Moomin’s. A phone bill I didn’t understand – is it a bill? a piece of crucial info? An ad? leftover birthday cake on a plate with a bowl on top. a roll of painter’s masking tape. 5 limes. a half-full water bottle. the nearly empty bottle of ketchuup left out by rook. a spiral notebook, moomin’s. Some dishes, all Moomin’s. A dr. seuss book. My social security statement. our bank statement. the oxford book of christian names (for w1ttig project). six pens. my keys. My tear-stained glasses. three dirty kleenex. a paper with rook’s trip itenerary to L.A. the telephone. the recycling stickers. sugar. pepper. three jackets of mine. an apron. dishtowels. my laptop. My elbows.

everything must go.

some sort of hard work should make me feel better but i can’t figure out what. after this weekend I swore no “nightcap” for a while as I kept drinking these 11pm giant rum and fruit juice drinks because of being so stressed. I have to fucking cope.

I have not been to my usual poetry things for MONTHS and i really need them I think.

what the fuck is my problem… life is good… why am i flying apart?



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13 Responses to “doing everything”

  1. Jo

    Go take a walk. All is well.

  2. badgerbag

    ah… I get very bored and antsy while walking. if I could find my bike helmet? or I could go skating at the ice oasis for even half an hour…

  3. Melanie

    Doing everything is important though. Keeping the house stocked in groceries. Keeping laundry clean. Taking out the trash. Being a mom. This is a job. What if you had to pay someone to do all those things? Since taking this job working with my husband I have been constantly reminding myself to look at my worth in terms of what I can contribute other than money. I know I could be making more money somewhere else. But I would be away from home more. I wouldn’t be able to put the effort into making fabulous meals because I wouldn’t have the opportunity to run next door and start preparations for dinner mid-day. I wouldn’t want to spend time doing a lot of things around the house that I do now I’m sure. It is a job to keep house. In written form that doesn’t look right. The inflection isn’t right. But I hope you know what I mean. Don’t be so down on yourself. We all go through these periods. When I look at my SS statement sometimes I want to cry. I went from 50K to 7k the year that my mom had to have her first back surgery. I left my faboo job at Sierra OnLine to move back to NC to help out. And I haven’t made it close to 50k again. But then I remember Sierra sold out and fired everyone from my devision and wiped out the whold product line I was working on so I would have lost that job anyway. So maybe I shouldn’t be so depressed about it. I have things that are better than money. I have a healthier Mom. I have a good husband.
    You have a healthier you. You have a good husband and a good kid. Priceless.
    Man this got out of control. Sorry.

  4. badgerbag

    thanks melanie. i try to keep that in mind. I am a rotten housekeeper though and often shirk.

  5. badgerbag

    I’ve always suspected it. I am a fuck!

  6. Pierre montgomery McTavish

    hooouuuuwwwww daraaaaaaaareeeeeeee youuuuuuuuuu deeeeleeeeeteeeeeeee muyyyyyyyyyiyiyyyyyyyy commenttttttssssss!!!!!!!!!! youuuuuu ssssstttuuuuuuuuppppppiiiiiiiidddddd fuckckkkkkeinnngggggg iiiiiididilidioiotiolaioioeediolikoilkioljjojogufitdidiotesariotytyutsaaaaaaaaoooooottttt!!!!!!!! iiiiiii shhhhouuuuuullldddd suuuuue youuuuuurrr fuckingngngggg asaaassssss offfofoffifiofiffffffffffff!!!!!!!!!! huhhn ytiu mjnboi himjk yuior bluso fuijkkinj fovr arned thaaaaaayyyyyy knonk lok isd asd konk ort yui miyzerrrrrioebulll blinokij fuh fuufty bluso and thaayenkcicles fovr nowteethinengng!!!!!! youiuiuyoyouiiiiooooooo fuckkkkkeddd uppppppp bleeeeedingng iiiiiiiiiidiottttt!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. Prentiss Riddle


  8. Pierre montgomery McTavish

    yyyyessssssss!!!! hooooowwwwww daaaaaaaarrrrreeeeeeeee youuuuuuuuuuu mock meeeeeeeeeee youuuuuuuuuu stttitiooooouuupppppppppppppppiddddddddddddd shittt uuuuuuuuselesssssssss piieeeeeeeccccceeeeeeeee of sshshshhhhiiiitttttttttt!!!!!!!!!

  9. whump

    Who let Giblets in here? Go back to your pies and motor oil, foul demon.

  10. badgerbag

    At this point I’m feeling rather fond of the P.M.!

  11. Pierre montgomery McTavish

    whump, shutttt uppppp you are stupiddd! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaochachschchck! you gioioood fovr nowteethinengng fucked up terrible fuck!!!!!!! nowww shut up annd miiiiiiiiiiiiiinnddd youur owwwn buiuisysineeeeesssssssssssss youuuuuuu stuopid pieeeeieoceseeeeesssseeeeeee offff crappppppp that should beeee puttt inn theee bin!!!!!!

  12. Jo

    Perhaps it is a test of your superpowers of tolerance! Go Badger Go!

  13. Pierre montgomery McTavish

    i wouldn’t cheer for him, his words seem to have not impressed anyone.. exept you of cource, but, to everyone else it was quite a stupid little speach

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