Archive for November, 2004

and the intensity shall now chill

Dude. I’ve gone so far into p4tagonia today that I feel half-crazy and can think of nothing else. I am kind of manic and keep pushing more and more weird ideas around. I feel sort of lonely out here like there is no way to explain my “logic” or association of ideas and yet it all seems clear on some level. And it’s so trivial in a way that I am embarrassed. But it gets like this… I’m not happy with just talking about one or two things or associating a couple of ideas and supporting everythning strongly with lots of evidence. I feel like a general who has pushed way too far into unknown territory and has lost touch with the supply line. Logical reasoning and military logistics… I’m sort of doing my poetic non-reason thinking but trying to be coherent about it and explain everything. But it woudl take a whole book of explanation. I think some ideas take a long, long time to explain and that is what I find interesting. Some people write whole books with only like, 5 really good ideas that could be explained in much shorter time — where summary is possible and in fact might be better for some purposes. (for example that j. R0ughgarden book which was so great, but full of filler).

But to see a big idea intuitively before you can really explain it is kind of torturous!

I conclude two things:

Scale back my scope. it’s exciting and I’m pushing myself actually because it’s exciting that F.M. would understand my weird leapy ideas. But I can focus more tightly and that will end up being easier and clearer; a tight focus and then I’ll foray off here and there with my wackiness. Maybe I’ll do somethign weird with subheadings or sidebars to achieve this.

Chill out for now. I’ve now met my goal of generating vaguely organized babbling. there are not always complete sentences and there’s no transition from idea to idea. And I will probablyl have to throw out half of it and put in new stuff or just lots of explaining. But. That’s why it’s called a ROUGH DRAFT and it’s not even due for 2 weeks. Revving down the engine. Calm the brain.

you know… I realize also i used to be LIKE THIS almost all the time. Every night i would rev up with Giant Ideas and would get very excited and be unable to stop writing and then it woudl be 2 am and I’d be all wacky-brained and edgy and wanting to talk all night long about some inexpressible Thing. jesus. sleep was near impossible. I’m so happy for my sleeping pills. I went off them for various times of being pregnant and it was hell (which i blamed on hormones and stress but could just as well been my normal state of being when not sleeping). When I started them because of fibr0myalgia (which you get because you’re not sleeping right, basically) I was afraid about losing that edge and that manic joy. I would become so boring! and yet i was so exhausted that I understood why writers drink themselves to death!

And I have really become more boring but you know… it’s a sweet relief. I’m so much healthier. I still have fabulous ideas all the time and I’m able to slow down enough to express them. i enjoy life more for sure.

I haven’t thought about this for a long while as it’s been like 10 years and I’m so happy in my usual state of being now that it just doesn’t occur to me how different I am (and not just how differently I’m living)

a bath – a drink – some tagamet or something as I think i’m giving myself an ulcer today or something- food made me feel quite ill. i must now try like hell to stop thinking of this shit or I will be up at 2 am like last night reading about epistemology, schopenhauer and nietszche and looking up chile in the 1914 britannica and realizing i must quickly write something crucial about the history of border disputes and rock formations that look like fortresses near the Beagle Channel.

Chill! chill! chill!

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dust is my friend

I know I’m going nuts when cleaning Moomin’s room and doing laundry while simultaneously playing “star wars castle bad guy pirate unicorn totoro magic flying princess find the crystal globe and return the old sick horse to its mountain pasture home” seems like a refreshing, fun activity.

Ookay I’m lying. I do have fun playing. the dust is the bad part.

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boom!

Did you hear that? It was my brain exploding. It was trying to contain All Knowledge and distill it in some alchemical process into a 20 page paper about P4tagonian literature of the 19th century. And Mars.

Take it from me – don’t try this at home.

***

I think I’ll throw this in: unseen p4tagonia

unseen! unknown! unknowable, until YOU the imperial tourist know it. Territory made “disputed territory” and unknowable-ized. Up for grabs. It is made subjunctive, possible, part of futurity. It has no past.

Can I throw this in, too?!
Why the hell not. Everything else is in there.




spamfighting; verne; random short observations

spam fighting screen saver

the perfect thing for my paper!

It would be fun to make an epistemology quiz. I wonder if someone has? I’m NOT looking.

More people turn around in our driveway these days – perhaps from the Hole’s proximity.

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conference

Moomin’s teacher was nice and apparently daydreaming is still an issue but no longer a big problem.

I was strangely nervous as if I’d been sent to the principal’s office and was on trial! I have to chill in such situations!

Gist of it all:

- Moomin way ahead academically. she thinks he will have no problem at all and will just go on ahead as far as allowed.
- socially he tends to hang with the younger kids who are the same physical size as him
- but we should set up more play dates with older bigger kids
- as he ends up in the “helper” role with younger kids
- he is more outgoing lately and will talk about things he did last week, etc. very participatory, raises hand etc.
- think about summer camp type of thing at the public school this summer to get him used to the place and comfortable being there
- check out some books from the library on bullying etc. (! eeek!) and how to deal with it. “because he is… petite.
- the other kids know to go to Moomin as someone who will read them their book they brought from home, etc. as one of the “can read anything” kids. Sophie also is in this category as one of the best readers in the class. (I see this as great for his confidence level and good that it’s something that’s a social thing .. the school encourages it) The other kids know to “ask Moomin” (my heart swells with pride. Oh, my little pedant! “Little spotty calf, you look like your mom!”)
- if there is chaos, he checks out of reality. (again. the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree…)
- “in a classroom that is more chaotic than here i.e. next year, because Moomin will just go into a corner and sit down with a book and is no problem academically, he will get kind of passed over or overlooked by teachers.” Yup. This will probably happen. It’s the “no child gets ahead” side of “no child left behind.” I’m not sure if there is any fix for this or if there is, I might just shrug. It was my solution to problems soooooo….. it doesn’t seem like a bad one…
- she thinks the K-2 classroom will be good for him as he will get to hang with the K kids and work with the 2 kids without it being a big deal (much like the mixed-age preschool he’s in)

I should have warned her about how he is reading the sex book this week and will probably talk about it. Oops! hahahaha. surprise, teacher Anarchy! “Guess what! I have testicles! Sperm comes out of the tip of the penis! Also pee! I have organs and cells!” eeek. I’m sure she can deal with it – after Iz last year.

Yesterday it ws fun pickng up Eliz and seeing all the kids come barrelling out of the Pole Star school. The kids were interesting and fun looking. there were kids who were cute and fashionable and ones who were sort of classically nerd-loner looking, and there were many long-haired hippie boys and proto-punk boys, in fact there were ones I looked at and thought “5th grade genderqueer!” which made me feel hopeful. I am happy to think Moomin will end up going there (the G/T public school, grades 3-8). In NY we were all discussing G/T classes and what their effect was. They were not necessarily hugely great or stimulating but the result of them was that you were thrown together with the other smart, weird kids, so you knew who they were. And that was good. The one G/T class was crucial for species recognition. Moomin’s cousin is apparently suppressing a lot of his cool quirkiness and nerd interests so that he fits in socially. If he hits some kind of tracking system later in school it will be more acceptable, maybe, to be odd. I don’t even have a very good handle on whether Moomin is odd or not. Maybe he’s not. (?)

It will be a very strange adventure! It’s hard not to project my own Thing into his experience!

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those twins

I start out writing about someone’s theory of literature and imperialism and instantly i’ve written like 4 pages about the Bobbsey Twins. christ. that is NOT patagonia. if only there were a BT book about t hem goingn to patagonia. Oh. maybe that would be a fun opening to the paper!!!! aaaaaa! then I’ll make them go to Mars. perfect!

Then I started staring off into space and thinking about the hardy boys and imagining a paper cvalled “On the Disappearance of Oscar Smuff”. In the early books Smuff was an inept detective and I was thinking maybe he is sort of like the badness of authority, bumbling bureaucrats, etc (though he’s not really an authority) it’s this sort of dissing of authority figures and official people you get during the depression … (?) and then later smuff was no longer really a figure in the books. I think it was too subversive to have an inept adult (smuff isn’t bad – just stupid and interfering and unjust to the Boys) Either the adults are Good or they are Bad (often organized bad – smugglers or spies) and are caught by the Boys and punished by the Good Adults. But adults can’t be just … individually annoying in the later Hardy Boys universe. Why is this? The Bobbsey Twins have Danny Rugg, the bad boy, to be their “bad unjust bumbling” smuff-like figure. Nancy drew doesn’t get anyone like that… Hmmm.

The Twins are reallyone of the more perfect examples of weird imperialism. it’s like seeing the dress rehearsal of the play from backstage. you see all the bones of it. Or like standing behind the magician or something. it’s all about appropriation and exploitation… the Twins always learn a native song or dance or legend or instrument and are made an honorary member of the tribe and then their Daddy gets to take all the valuable lumber away…

jesus christ none of this has anything to do with patagonia. aaaaaaaaaaa.

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calm… calm… lotion… mintiness…

I’m calm again. I wrote a little and wrote my project-explaining email. 20 minutes more of trying to write now that Rook is home from work. Then I will ease off of myself. God.

I can’t even go “it’s just a dumb old school paper” to myself – not that I’ve ever been able to do this – but it feels all crucial that I continue to impress F.M. if I want it to remain possible that I would be her grad student (but do i want it ? Do i want to be her bitch for the next 4 years, to live and die by her tyrannical sword? I could grind my Very Healthy Teeth at the mere thought. Yet I don’t want to cut off the possibility! even if i’m not her bitch i’d like for her to respect my work and think of me as a colleague as I get translationy stuff and articles out there…)

one more push and then a scalding hot bath with mint and rosepetals… and some serious lotioning. There will be pointless foot-exfoliating! I have new fancy lotion and peppermint shampoo. I will be ylang-ylanged to the core of my ylin-ylin.

someone needs to free-wireless the Hole. We are awfully close but not close enough. If anyone wants to give us a giant fancy wireless antenna, we could put it on our roof and the cafe in the Hole would have wireless! wooooo!

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amiss

I didn’t get enough done.. I’m snappish and freaking… aaaagh.

I started feelign like I’m saying yes to too many things and actually i need to be calling in help from other people right now!

Right as I was about to burst into tears and was whining to Rook over IM, the Pilot and Chefily came in and offered to provide a little extra Moomin-watching if I needed it. Also Chefily wisely suggested putting off the clothes swap until after my paper is due. smart. I was thinking that one evening would not be a big deal but actually it can be when everything is last minute.

If I can overcaffeinate myself tomorrow and whomp down a huge draft of a paper I would be SO happy. I thought that’s what I was doing today in the 2 hours inbetween the dentist and picking up Eliz. but I just didn’t rev up enough. That is so lame of an excuse but … nothing came out… I couldn’t get it up…. this is why I suck at deadlines…

Tonight… a video for Moomin… (guilt! ack) a little vodka… and an email to my prof about the paper idea because I just realized that I shoudl have sent it long ago and didnt’! uh-oh.

Really I just want to go to bed right now and read myself to sleep.

Tomorrow… conference with Moomin’s teacher and then: all paper all day.
Wed.: watch peanut. GYN appt. maybe an hour free. pick up eliz. pick up Moomin. No work will happen on this day. FUCK.
Thurs. print draft of paper ??? what draft? there had better be one. fuck fuck fuck. turn it in.
Fri: work like a mad dog on the paper. (in SF) get moomin. in theory, go to W4verly poetry reading. ?? i have missed the last 3 of them and keep promising to go…
Sat: ?? maybe t his is the day I need to call in favors or have Rook do all.
Sun: ?? ditto

Why didn’t I start this on Sunday! dammit! I was all cleaning the house stupidly and stuff. dumb! dumb! dumb!

why am I blogging this? i should just write some crap right now as an attempt to get in the mood.

mood about more grad school/phd: strongly leaning toward NO.

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just what i was looking for

I can’t believe it! The coolest! An archive of cuban SF, with essays!




a wet, cold nose or a hot, dry nose

I have 3 tiny cavities but my gums are so healthy the dentist acted astonished. It’s nice when dentists, rather than being stern and frowny, compliment one. On the other hand maybe he figured from looking at my scruffiness that my teeth would be crumbling brown stubs.

I fussed about having to have like 30 fucking xrays and they thought i was an anti-xray damned hippie. “Don’t worry ma’am you get more radiation exposure by visiting Lake Tahoe for the weekend.” I’m not an x-ray fearing freakazoid! I just hate the xrays ever since i was a kid. They make me gag, retch, and cry. You’d think as I have no other gag reflex situtation to speak of (this makes me so popular with boys!) that this would not happen… but it does… and I’m so fucking stoic about every other medical procedure! draw my blood! wiggle the needle! I don’t like it, but I don’t wince, from a lifetime of allergy shots! I think wounds are interesting, even my own! But a back-of-the-mouth dental xray reduces me to a trembling wreck. How hard would it be to make little xray plates in different sizes that actually fit into one’s mouth without cutting into the skin under your tongue or going down your fucking throat? It’s like being mouth-raped with a credit card for 20 minutes straight! fuck, i hate it.

Apparently it’s the law or something that you have baseline xrays before they clean your teeth! It’s some kind of dentist law! Becasue I tried to weasel out of getting it and they were stern and cited much bureaucratic precedent and State this and Board of Dentists and the Empress of Dental Hygeine herself, Periodontia Buttocks.

The stuff that shows if your gums are healthy is called the lamina dura. My lamina dura is like diamond shields! It’s generated by tiny nuclear power plants in the back of my skull! the lamina dura of the Badger is so fucking studly, it’s grown right over where my wisdom teeth used to be, which means my back teeth will endure, like the pyramid of cheops or a cthuloid statue found in the deep ocean, for countless ages. My 2 old root canals and gold teeth gleam healthily. “WHO did your amazing root canals? Their points are perfect! They’re perfectly healed!” gushed Dr. Guy-with-a-beard. He seemed to enjoy telling me the latin names for everything and explaining his nifty fluorescing equipment.