and one more thing

i’m so frustrated about not getting any writing time i’m going to fucking lose my mind.

i know, i know. i am insanely lucky. i am happy beyond my wildest dreams. but somehow i thought i would get more time. if i hadnt been sick this week i guess i’d be calm again…

it’s like i’m at the height of mastery of knowing what i’m doing but i’m not getting to do it.

prob. i shoudl have stayed home from some of those parties and gone off by myself… but actually, i spent almost every party riding herd on Moomin so that Rook could have a fun time and so that I would not feel like a heel when i ran off to some other party with Chula.

oh my god. next week. that’s all i can say. I will do nothing responsible. I will pay some random stranger to clean the house, or somehting. i’m in tears thinking about the amount of housework i’ve done over this break and then i’m sick for 2 days and it’s as if I have done nothing at all, it’s gross, all sorts of things need doing. my books are not yet alphabetized.

I will go off to the beach and stay away all day and record myself reading until I’m worked up into a giant writing frenzy. i have to finish at least 1 of the 3 long unfinished poems or i am going to lose their threads…

once the semester starts everything will be absolutely nuts. i will not have time to think about anything. Rook will be basically gone for 2 weeks for game conferences. i signed up for potlatch and want to go to wiscon too. taking 2 classes and starting my thesis. NUTS. poetry will be reduced to odd moments in the car.

not knowing about bezerkely makes me want to scream!!!

if i don’t get in, I’m going to slow down my pace and plan to graduate with the m.a. in december instead of in august. I’m feeling scared…

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