deep exhaustion

I can’t even begin to describe the crazy assortment of my day. I’m so toasted. It’s not in a bad way, it’s just that I’m useless for homework. A game of nethack perhaps, and some hot chocolate.

I started trying to understand some tax forms and I need like 12 million different forms and instruction booklets.

My feet hurt… my ankles are swollen… I have no explanation for this – it hasn’t bothered me in a while.

I’m still coughing and extra-asthmatic from the tail end of bronchitis. But it is getting better… I’m no longer huffing albuterol constantly… maybe once a day. The steroid inhalers are helping. I need to go to the allergist, who will yell at me no end. I’m noncompliant. Oh dear. But on the getting better front, I am blowing almost 500 on my little peak flow thingie. low point of this illness was 400-ish and I normally do 550 on it. Once it gets above 500 I feel really good. Measuring peak flow doesn’t do anything really but it helps me to feel like I know what’s going on. And in this case it’s reassuring me that I’m getting better. I’d really like to ride my bike again! crap! soon!!!!

Rook is out for like, the 4th night in a row of helping gargyrrl move stuff from her house to her new apartment. That situation happened to me twice… both times I was utterly broke and had no credit cards and also was sick. The first time I had the crazy bronchitis and was hemorrhaging (no joke!) and the 2nd I was just generally fucked up. Anyway, I helped last night and am lending my truck, but I should not really be in the dust of it all so I’m not helping tonight (also, it is v. boring for Moomin). Rook is saintly for pitching in at the last minute and helping to save her stuff from being thrown out on the street! In his mind he has lofty ideals about friendship and community, in my mind he’s just naturally pussywhippable by butchy dykes, which makes him incredibly perfect for me because I can boss him around so easily. 8-P

Part of the exhaustion was from expecting myself to accomplish about 8 million things today. I start going, “For fuck’s sake. You lazy bitch. You have 9-4pm, a huge chunk of time, almost a normal work day. what are you whining about. Why is work not flying out of you.” But today was actually 12-4 because of the dentist visit all the way down in Los G4tos.

I read for a couple of hours and took some notes on Uly$$es and a very cool article by L. B3rsani. and I did a zillion errands and played with peanut and Moomin a lot, and cleaned things, paid bills, downloaded and read some tax forms, made boring errandy phone calls. I wrote up some stuff and answered emails from poetry-organizy people. I have to keep reminding myself that stuff counts as work. tomorrow I will do homework and school only! And I am thinking since I only have one class I’ll stay late in Bezerkeley and try to hang out with my classmates or something, have a beer or dinner, and that way I won’t end up in rush hour.

I was remarking to Jo as we walked down to the school to pick up Eliz. that I am feeling a lot of anxiety from jumping headfirst into what i think of as public discourse. i don’t know what else to call it so forgive my jargon. I keep saying stuff in public, not always offensive, but because I’m not just being a hermit poet I feel like I’m making enemies. obviously friends too, right? majorly so. But it can be hard at times to keep putting myself out there.

I tend to imprudently promise to do things. And I don’t always do a perfect job or even a good job or an adequate job and I pretty much expect myself to kick ass all the time. I feel bad for flaking out on the Sanjo nonprofit, for example… I’m just coasting evilly, not quitting their board of directors, and not doing anything either other than maintain their email list and make a suggestion once in a while. I figured I’d serve out my 2-year term and oh well, I didn’t super-duper impress anyone. I’m just appalled, still, at their director over the whole “mult1cultural gr4nt incident” and I think of him now as an evil liar. he makes my skin crawl. Evil! I suck at politics. I guess I could think of this as practice for future academic departmental horrors, which surely will be worse.

Um, I meant that to be bright and cheery although it didn’t come out that way.

One of the things that comforted me today was (oddly?) thinking of a talk I had with Rook, an almost fight but not really and instead a good deep talk, where he was like, “Dude. You are trying to do too much. You can’t launch yourself into some kind of giant writing career, and finish your degree, and have 2 relationships, and apply for grants and deadlines and go to readings twice a week. ” (and expecting twice as much support from him to enable me to do all this.) This was so true and helps me straighten out my head a little to think of. I can’t slow down all at once but I am at least trying to ease up the pressure. I am going to have to develop better work habits or something… there will be much locking myself into my office and not coming out.

To the hot chocolate! No nethack, it is bad for my wrists. early bedtime.

Oh, my charming bezerkeley group-conspirators are writing me long emails about L3o Bl00m and being an exile. I love them! they are obsessive and enthusiastic, but also trying to blatantly crock the system and master the skills of bullshitting and not quite doing all the work. I don’t want to get caught in that, somehow. But I admire their skill at it. it’s a weird mixture of genuine love of reading, thinking, writing, jumbled up with a sort of “cheat the boss” factory worker trying not to fuck up the quota and take an extra long bathroom break…

Related posts

3 Responses to “deep exhaustion”

  1. Steph

    TurboTax software is WORTH ITS WEIGHT IN GOLD. You can do your tax return online at, and save it and come back to it at any time, so you don’t get burnt out doing it all at once, and you do not pay a cent until you are ready to file, and the program fetches up ALL THE FORMS YOU NEED, and prompts you to fill them out and tells you how, and files your return electronically, and you get a check in the mail if you have a refund. Unfortunately if you owe money you still have to pay it. But I highly recommend it. It even saves your info from one year to the next, so you don’t have to start from scratch every time.

  2. GarGyrrl

    The saintly-ness (not to mention manly studly-ness) of Rook will not soon be forgotten. It was very much the stuff of myth and legend! The depths to which I am indebted to him are immesurable!
    People! I am not exaggerating! He single-handedly saved my life from distaster! How many people can you say that about?

  3. badgerbag

    He’s that way for me too! But every day! A superhero!

Leave a Reply