Xtreme anxiety

Last night I just got going on the worrying and couldn’t stop. Uncertainties. Try for the phd or not? I’m not working hard enough. Poetry not happening enough. Am I being a good mom, partner, etc. “School or not it doesn’t matter which way you decide, life will still be good, and you are a good person.” (Said Rook, trying to comfort me at midnight.) This is good to hear but didn’t make my stomach stop its stressful seasick rolling. I took my sleeping pill and then, with slight naughtiness, half a shot of whiskey on top of it, but it was like a drop of water in a crater on the moon as then I just felt anxious and eerily drugged amid the tense anxiety. I ended up reading “The Secret Garden” for the quintillionth time until I finished it at 2:30am or so, weeping and maudlin, bolstered up with victorian Resolve to be Good and the power of Positive Thinking. (But, for the umpteen quintillionth time, screw FHB for screwing Mary and sticking all the attention on the end on Colin, that freaking newage twit. Yet, well, what’s not to enjoy with the royal marriage and the fertility of the land, the happy cottagers, rosycheeked, approving of the monarchy…) Mon. night I sucked down one of those “protector of the small” books for the same reasons… You can measure my stress by what I require as reading and it was not quite to Stoic philosophers level – the escapist bandaid of formulaic girls’ books is bad enough…

Yo, so anyway I laid there thinking how much it stresses me to write these academic papers and how I might have accomplished way more had I just read on my own and had some people to bounce ideas back and forth with, and I kept thinking, I don’t WANT profs, I want EDITORS, and publishers (and to be one myself). Should I go to State one more year and get certified in composition-teaching? Because I think I need that to get teaching jobs… I am having this gut feelining that Bezerekely is going to not work or be a mistake and I will not be able to really commit ot it or be into it whole-heartedly and so won’t do as well as I could, which will make me even more anxious. And to focus, I should be getting some money by teaching (or… some job in publishing? some low level editing job? I would love to be very closely editing other people’s prose translations; I’m good at it and enjoy that level of deep concentration.) And getting book manuscripts out there. Take my W1ttig project – what will make me work harder, doing it for one prof for a grade? Or publishing it on the web? Or publishing it as a book? Obviously, a book.

And re: what rook said, Am I really a good person? Of course I feel very fraudulent and not good or nice at all. Am I an okay parent? I don’t even really know. Sure on some level I do okay. But… CLUELESSNESS. Just utter uncertainty!

Well anyway… obviously I pick the worst possible times to get all angsty and existentially despairing – I think it is the most neurotic way of procrastinating doing my paper EVER.

Meanwhile – I went to the cafe to work. And I worked for a good while (though- NOT ENOUGH.) And then the people next to me were quite interestingly talking about the school board and the measure Vee and what to do, the rally, the petition, the trip to sacramento, etc. etc. and I got involved with their deep yattering convo about the various schools, how to help, what is to be done. They were very public-minded and groovy. One has twins in middle school (long digression about their birth as preemies and hospitals etc) and works as a probation officer locally (long digression about gangs, 13 and 14 east and west, tongans, etc, stories of faceoffs with cops and guns and her walking right in to say ‘put down the gun…’ all while knitting something blue and enormous, with her skein of yarn in a giant peanutbutter jar with a hole in the lid.) And the other one, Shelby Taser, seemed a trustable, likeable, hardworking and smooth politician. She had the lowdown on EVERYTHING. She got my number and gave me the slightly narrow-eyed stare when I gave my LAME excuses on why I’m not sending Moomin to Arriba Bilingual public school. Oh dear! I liked her. Now I must get the dirt on Shelby Taser from the other Commie Mommies, who probably know all.

“I’m too obnoxious to be useful in most ways as a politician, not diplomatic enough, but I want to be useful…” “Oh, I’m SURE you will be. We need people who are not intimidatable. ” That was a nice response. We snaked out cables to each other’s brains and traded info on Jerk Hackey. It was a quite interesting piece of insider dirt to know that Hackey (the local libertarian politician everyone loves to hate) is a major homophobe and is running against Rich somthingorother, for some local political position (city council?) specifically because he has issues with him being gay and out. Oh, don’t you love to know it? “But don’t egg his house. He gets us more votes by being utterly crazy…”

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10 Responses to “Xtreme anxiety”

  1. Jo

    I loved it that Jerk Hackey’s small tirade in the voter pamphlet was endorsed by his MOTHER, of all people. Her occupation was listed as “Grandmother.” Ha! In this blurb all about how schools don’t need money and they’re all country clubs anyway! What a complete ass!

  2. Jo

    Oh, and as for the first part of your post, which was more important but not as easy to comment upon. I really do think you’re a good person and that you’ll find your way, but that sometimes there is a lot of flailing in life. It’s scary. If it weren’t scary, you wouldn’t be doing it right. You’re at a huge transition point that will dictate your direction for a long time to come, so it seems utterly natural to me that you are freaking. KNowing you, however, as soon as I post this comment, you will post something about how you are all up again and completely optimistic and impatient with all the thinking you did in the night. Pah.

  3. Ms. Jane

    Dang. Things always look like crap in the deep of the night, don’t they? At 2am nobody loves me, my friends feel sorry for me, and I’m failing at my career, which I never deserved in the first place because I’m selfish, greedy, lazy, and a fraud.

  4. badgerbag

    No… I’m still freaking… trying to ignore it and work, though. Pathetically am at the point of recalling past therapy for ptsd and advice about stuffing the thoughts in a box and sitting on the box and locking it, with the sincere promise to myself to Look at Those Things Later but Not Now so that I can function. You will know I have gone nuts about grad school and conflated all my Issues when I put on 3 pairs of pants and go hide in the linen closet, sucking my thumb and clutching a tattered copy “Nation and Narration” to my chest.
    But yeah, seriously, thanks for the analysis, it does make sense that I’m worried about what I’m doing with life…

  5. Jo

    Homi’s good company.

  6. Jo

    And just remember that no matter how bad it gets, at least you’re invited to all those parties that ms jane doesn’t get invited to!

  7. elswhere

    And you have cool hair!
    Okay I know this was just a minor facet of your post but, about the Secret Garden– I just realized that’s probably why I liked A Little Princess better even though it’s not as well-constructed a novel: it’s an all-female universe, except for a copule of minor characters and the deus-ex-machina dad figures. Lesbian from birth, that’s me. The Select Young Ladies’ Seminary as proto-separatist commune! (only without goats or anything.)
    Actually that’s probably closer to the truth than not.
    And I’ll add to Jo’s comment–don’t know if it helps, but it seems like you are flailing partly because you have an *interesting* life and are trying to be true to your passions. And that’s so admirable however you work it out.

  8. Ms. Jane

    Huh?!? What parties!??!

  9. whump

    Odd that a self-described “libertarian” would be a homophobe, but then the party’s more about the right of the rich to keep guns, smoke pot, and not pay taxes.
    There was a similar “libertarian” running for the State House a few years back who ran ads endorsing the right for parents to mutilate their daughters as he claimed, “they were their father’s property.”
    I have the horrible feeling that the Libertarian party doesn’t have a mechanism to weed out nuts, because it’d make Baby Ayn Rand cry or something like that.

  10. AnxietyCure.org

    Social Anxiety is a potentially debilitating fear of social situations. It is generally considered to be the most common psychological problem, and encompasses a wide range of phobias and anxieties having to do with social situations. Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), if left untreated, can degenerate into worse psychological issues, like agoraphobia or substance abuse, as people try to deal with their issues through avoiding them.

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