this day sucks

I was just on the phone with the endoscopy people, Moomin started yammering and yelling at the top of his lungs about how he is thirsty and I finally just yelled SHUT UP PLEASE!!!! in a super mean way while still on the phone. Er, whoops. At least I said “please”.

A horrible day of pain and nausea. I had 2 (3??) chocolate chip oatmeal cookies last night and woke up a brazilian times in the night wanting to throw up. I had toast for breakfast. (dry.) and some coffee with nonfat milk — very, very weak coffee. All day with that vomity feeling and vomity taste in the back of my mouth. And the pain very nasty. half a can of chicken soup for lunch… lukewarm. Fuck this noise! I hate it! Hello, universe, I’m a HEDONIST, remember? Remember the “lapsed” part in “Lapsed Stoic”?

I deep-watered the garden just in case I get sicker and forget to do it and no one else remembers, or, you know, in case I die, maybe the plants will hang in there until the rainy season starts.

I keep thinking that if I am going to die of some hideous disgusting stomach-rotting cancer which is probably sending its metastatizing tentacles through my body AT THIS VERY MOMENT I should be enjoying the nice things about life, being appreciative of everyone I love, trying to be sort of intense, maybe finishing some writing project or preparing for my conference … but fuck it’s not working too well. Instead I’m on the floor playing chutes and ladders and trying to hide my bad temper – not successfully. Then shoveling Moomin in front of the TV to watch muppets while I hide in bed. Intellectual distraction works for a while and then I’m staring into space again trying not to cry. It is kind of a relief to have to put on a cheery or at least “functional” facade for Moomin.

I’m very bored with this whole thought chain and with feeling nasty and sorry for myself and my impending doom. I yank my brain out of that gutter about ten thousand times a day lately. It’s worn into a rut. Oh, so boring. I don’t believe any of it any more, I don’t believe I’m sick, I don’t believe I’m okay, I’m just tired of all this, I’m not feeling brave or anything. I just yelled at Moomin again very unfairly… I cannot possibly deal… thank god that Minnie is coming over soon to take him to zombiegrrl’s pumpkin-carving party…

I will deny ever writing this, later… it must have been my evil twin.

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