still losing… but having a good time anyway

I’m so hungry all the time. I want a big greasy hamburger. And some fries. And and and. Some fried chicken with the skin on. and some BACON.

Instead.. today I had some bran flakes, a bagel & cream cheese, 3 cookies, pumpkin soup, cornbread, and some noodles. I think I need protein. My food fantasies are all about things like bacon and steak, which I swear to god I didn’t eat for most of my adult life.

I wish I knew what was wrong with my stomach or that they would figure out it is gallstones or something that can be fixed! Goddamn it!

My weight is down to 116 lbs and I have not been this skinny since I was 14. This fucking sucks. And the next person to tell me I am lucky to lose weight, I’m going to fucking backhand you because I’m in pain and am starving starving starving!

Last night me and Chula took the bus down Haight to the Citrus Club and I had the perfect bowl of thai chicken noodle soup. I wish I had it right now. But then the pain hit me and this wave of stupefied exhaustion so that I wanted to lie down on the floor. It is weird how I get all stupid and lightheaded after I eat anything substantial. C. was very sweet and realized I was nonfunctional and got us a cab in about 2 seconds. Yes! A cab! 5 bucks well spent. It was brilliant. Then she set up her computer monitor so we could watch the last episode of Blake’s 7 from bed. It was true – it made all the other episodes different and better, knowing the end!

Tonight with soup and cornbread it was actually okay, though it was an effort to get up once I was lying down watching the movie. Moomin drew pictures on the whiteboard of a “butterpine” and I helped him draw a butterdillo (animals with butterfly wings). He wrote “Buttrpine” and then about 10 minutes later while writting “Butt” under the wingéd armadillo, he paused. I could read his mind. He looked back at “Buttrpine” for a long time; he said “Hmmmm!” – then squeezed in an extra e, then went back to the butterdillo! Imagine what it cost me to squash my inner pedant and let the missing e slide for a whole 10 minutes, and watch me puff up and burst with pride that he figured it out suddenly, by instinct…

I was so happy to be at a party full of people! And yet only 5 minutes from my house, and in a place that is so cosy… And I love RJ’s parties because he will introduce you to someone and go, “You guys are SO COOL!!!” and then he runs away, and you can tell just from looking at each other that… you ARE so cool for some reason, if only that RJ was fascinated with you. In fact one could just start out the conversation by asking each other, “So, how many times has RJ proposed marriage to you or given you a romantic, passionate speech about your greatness?” and then bust up laughing. It is endearing! I understand it, because I am that way too!

I ended up talking to E. who asked me if it was my license plate that said “RPGNERD” and how many times at a party do you get to brag to a super cute, smart woman that your husband is the biggest rpg nerd on the planet and have her go, “WOW! how cool!” And she plays D&D all the time… Then I spent a long time having mom-gossip with T, let’s give her a nickname… Tarantula, who just moved here from Austin. I don’t know about you but when I meet someone who lived in Austin for 20 years and who is sort of nerd-hip, is a massage therapist, and is wearing a venus of willendorf necklace, I feel instant kinship. Plus her kid is the same age as Moomin, and she was trying to explain how she was in Focker City and how it was insane and full of bewildering pod people. OMG after 2 years in Nervine, I totally understand this.

And of the people I know… everyone hugged me a lot, which was nice… And Chefily was there! I have not seen her in ages! With “my perfect boyfriend William.” She introduced him that way. “And this is My Perfect Boyfriend William!” She is teaching math in a high school in the Mission, and has learned that cupcakin’ is the term for being sweet on someone, or kissin’ on them. Cupcakin. It sounds a little bit like a cool name for a newly discovered chemical!

The pumpkin soup was really tasty – served in a huge pumpkin…

And we watched “Primer” which you really should see if you like complicated messy things and nerdiness.

Inured to loneliness, as usual, Moomin stayed alone in the other room, reading a comic book about Bart Simpson and watching “Clone Wars” on Rook’s laptop.

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3 Responses to “still losing… but having a good time anyway”

  1. Denise



    Insensitivity comes in all forms. People never stop and think about the fact that too much weight CAN and IS lost and with that loss comes extreme pain, both physical and emotional. We spend so much time encouraging weight loss, we’ve lost site of what it means to be healthy. I’m sorry you are dealing with this but wanted you to know that you aren’t alone in getting those comments from people and feeling like you want to kill them.

  2. Lisa Hirsch



    Oh, man, I hope your docs figure out what is wrong. Not being able to eat, and all that weight loss: awful.

  3. garnet



    I can sympathize about weight-loss and people’s weird reactions to it. Something similar happened to me about 8 years ago. Apparently “thin” is better than “healthy” or “not in pain.” Sheesh. Glad you had a fun evening, though! I love pumpkin soup.

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