worry and work

Out of sorts yesterday. My stomach started hurting again. I wonder how I stood it for.. what, a couple of months? A month and a half? Wow. So this morning I ate some graham crackers and very weak coffee with lots of milk..

Dreamed I was in Antarctica, trying to find the right warm clothes in my and Rook’s closets (In real life we only have one closet but in the dream, several.) He had reorganized them. Then my exhusband Darko came in to prompt me to hurry up. I kept going to get in the car to go to Antarctica and then realizing I needed to put on an extra pair of socks; then all the socks had holes… And at some point I turned to Darko and said, “Oh, Rook reorganized the closets and now i can’t find anything. You know how it is when you’re married a long time…” Then realized what an idiotic hurtful thing to say, like Oh yeah, WE were married. For a really SHORT time.. Fortunately, just a dream.

Up at 6am in sudden Panic about Everything. Writing mostly, but also relationships, my own crappy mom-ing, being Wrong about everything, the terrible gap between my theory and practice, that one article everyone’s quoting about Housework — (which amazingly – Jo called me this morning to talk about.)

Now I’m at Jo’s cosily ploinking away on her Internet because mine is down. Also, I work better when I’m around someone else who’s working.

21 Responses to “worry and work”

  1. Anonymous

    So, tell me more about that article on Housework. (The one on Bitch PhD, yes? I was talking about it this morning.)

  2. minnie

    what housework article? i want to read it.

  3. badger

    I warn you that it will make you just want to go blow things up.

  4. badger

    Oh wait, here it is.

  5. badger

    “In fact, I believe that this is the single most irretrievably gendered division-of-labor issue for couples who want to be, or think they are, equals: the person whose job it is to monitor that equality is the person who has the least power. And in most cases, that’s the woman. That’s why “don’t put yourself in a position of unequal resources” is absolutely crucial advice: if you’re going to have to monitor your marriage to make sure that it’s an equal partnership, then that is in and of itself part of the labor of the relationship. That “counts,” and having to do that “extra” work will be a lot more palatable, and possible, if you ensure from the outset that all other aspects of your marriage distribute resources equally. Otherwise you’re stacking the deck against yourself, and at some point, yes: it is going to be “easier” to “choose” not to pursue a demanding career and have children and keep a clean house and play the referee in your own marriage.”
    I really fucking think there is no way out of it all. If we were to try to raise young women with any sort of reasonable expectation it shoudl just be that they can’t escape and will not be somehow “exceptions”. Everything becomes corrupted by It. god. You know.. I’m just not even allowed to SAY any of this. Fucking hell. No one who is not in the position is going to understand even a tiny bit.

  6. minnie

    the menfolk will go balistic. mine will get all huffy.

  7. minnie

    the menfolk will go balistic. mine will get all huffy.

  8. Anonymous

    It didn’t make me want to go blow things up. I was kinda irritated at the “nag! it’ll work, one way or the other!” solution, b/c that’s not neccessarily true and it’s just as crazy-making, seems to me, as “housework strikes”.
    Also, it’s so very middle-class. (The Feminine Mystique isn’t invoked for nothing.) And yet nobody hires cleaning services?
    I don’t think there’s an individual solution (“way out of it”), for sure. But if I go any further I’m going to start sounding like a raving Marxist and everybody will tune out.

  9. badger

    co-ops. for sure. We’re doing our best to have a Momune. But I think the momune structure possibilities need to be formalized.

  10. badger

    And can I just say not for the first or last time that I am heartily sorry when i think of all the times my own mom was going absolutely batshit crazy from all This and as a kid I was unsympathetic, entitled, and horrible and used every argument of the patriarchy to trivialize anything she said. I am very sorry. As she said I would someday grow up to be. And I wish I could go back in time and fix it and somehow behave better. Ditto for all the times she told me never to have a boyfriend, get married, or have children and I got angry at her. I am happy having all those things and yet now I understand what she was coming from. (When I’d say I wanted to have a kid and she’d shriek, “Oh my GOD! why would you DO that to yourself?” and I’d be insulted or whatever.)

  11. badger

    Oh and re: marxism it is not a coincidence that the Homeward Bound article ends with “What Is To Be Done?” … hahahaah… that’s unsubtle to the max. I always end my term papers that way.

  12. elswhere

    I thought the article was more about career paths than housework: specifically, how it comes to be that staying home becomes such an attractive option for so many highly educated women. Housework plays into that, for sure, but it’s not the only factor.
    It bothered me that the author seems to place so little value on housework and childcare work herself, though: she just buys into the dominant power structure’s definition of what’s important without considering any of the connective work that you had a great word for a few months ago which I’ve forgotten.
    And also that she seems to expect women to do all the changing. That was what I was trying to get at in my post but was too tired and sneezy to articulate.

  13. badger

    Yup. And she recommends that women be the exploiters, as her solution. Which fucking sucks. Though it was my entire life plan when I was 14. and then again every time i got near having a decent steady job.

  14. lori

    All communal structures need to be formalized 🙂
    Can I join your Momune when it’s breeding time? (Prolly not; you’re so close and yet so far…)

  15. badger

    Hmmm… what are you saying Lori? Is it breeding time!??? Holy shit!
    There are provisions for long distance Momune members, and once a week ones, and once a month ones. Of course there are! Because we’re making it all up right now. right?

  16. lori

    It’s not breeding time yet, but it will be soon. Yes. And I am so recruiting *now* for an extended network of support folks. I make no bones about it.

  17. badger

    It is never too soon to develop that network. I don’t understand why people get married. Instead we should incorporate.

  18. lori

    Me, too.

  19. garnet

    Moot and I have only one explicit agreement about housekeeping: the first person to find a mess made by the cats is responsible for cleaning it up — and no pretending you didn’t see that hairball! It used to be my job to dispatch half-dead rodents and birds when necessary, but Moot seems to have mastered the technique, so now he has no excuse not to end the misery of the cats’ prey.
    As for forming networks, there’s got to be some way of adapting some of the features of the matrilineal clan.

  20. badger

    I was thinking it might be like biker gangs. People would beg to join the Bad Ass Momune (BAM). We’d jump them in, then give them the cool embroidered jacket. Maybe a probationary period. Other Momune gangs could set their own standards. What would ours be?

  21. Jo

    Our hazing would be writing an inflammatory letter to the mother’s club, and then seeing how the woman stood up to the abuse that would naturally follow from a well-crafted commie letter.

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