Medical update; mild heroism led to heinous meltdown

The fascinating news of my lower spine. My GP talked with me a while and looked at my limp a bit. She ordered a bazillion “rule out everything” tests. oh well. like i need another rheumatology workup in my life? disabled parking fairy placard extended 6 months. uhhh thanks.

Moomin and Nukie played outside, then i fed them. Often we just feed Nukie because we realize it’s like 8pm and there he is and he’s been over all afternoon. I could boot him home and expect him to be fed but I don’t know how that goes. Since he is huge and extremely healthy i assume he gets plenty of feeding but he is always very hungry, so I feed him. I would like him to grow up and vaguely remember there were kind neighbors. His family is nice but often not there and he is with his teenage sister who is dumb as a post and also incompetent. She just wanders away with her friends. at least these days he is not locked out of the house when she does like he used to be. ANYWAY in the mean time I was thinking an worrying about my housemate who was in the hospital for surgery for a pituitary tumor. it is scary and also i know that surgery and hospitals really suck. But at some point while feeding kids I realized that the crying noise had been intensifying for quite a while like maybe 20 minutes so I went next door and Peanut was standing in the living room alone with her dress all soaked in snot and tears and drool. She had stuffed both hands in her mouth and was screaming and sobbing. The 3 absolute idiots whose charge she was in were on the deck smoking and looking faintly bewildered. I stood there a minute patting Peanut as they stared at me from outside. Then just was like Oh fuck this… I mean I do understand adults getting overwhelmed or not knowing what to do with a baby and everyone can use a hand sometime. But I was looking at this particular situation and felt REALLY pissed at the lot of them for being so helpless acting. I thought of the Pilot as a child and wondered. Anyway. Trying to unhinge all such unkind judgments . I took Peanuts hand and hauled her out of there as she screamed for her mom. Keep in mind I am crippled and exhausted right?? However I figured that the situation called for some effort and what is my leg in the scale of things. I got her on my lap and cuddled her, Moomin stood on a chair and got ice cream out, Nukie got a bowl and spoon and we fed her ice cream and they told her about times they have been to the zoo and how much she will like to be a big kid and go to school. I was astonished at how they seemed to grok her state of mind. There was one moment though when Moomin said “She’s WORRIED becaus her mom is in the hospital having an operation and she misses her mom” and Nukie replied, “Whenever MY mom dies, *I* don’t cry.” That didnt’ help any… but ice cream is very helpful… also stories about anteaters and how glorious it is to learn how to write letters in big kid school. all was well. We put barrettes in her hair and she prattled about going to school where everyone loves her and she is the prettiest and also the very biggest.

Peanut’s card had a sun and a swimming pool overflowing and flowers and she wrote the word “MOM” very nicely! Nukie’s card had Pilot all sad, and missing Peanut, and then Peanut crying, and then all these hearts with zig zags to represent their broken hearts, and then them smiling again. Moomin watched them draw and talked about maybe drawing various pictures, but did not because he could not “do it right”.

Then Nukie’s sister came in with her friend and i did not realize but they let the cats out. And from then on the evening became completely hellish as I limped around and then was reduced to wheeling around ordering kids about to look under cars and stuff. moomin became furious with nukie who was riding moomin’s bike around while yelling and not helping. Peanut just wanted to sit in my lap or stand next to me and demand attention (whcih she needed dearly but which I could not give and also find my cats) Found one cat. got it. hurt myself more, doing it. called everyone i knew trying to get someone to come help me. meanwhile my mind was boggling that the pilot’s relatives just let Peanut hang with us for hours without even checking on things, it’s not like they didnt notice that I am crippled. can i just add that i think they are vile. So I went into the house and asked them to get margaret and put her to bed and maybe could they also help me with cats. LIke 8:30 or so, by now, getting dark! Instead of doing any of those things they came out and helplessly stood around trying to talk with me and not helping with Peanut at ALL. They suck! It’s not like I was just waiting… I directly asked them more than once to take her inside! And said that I thought it was her bedtime and she should go in an that it woudl help me more to have kids out of my hair. Finally, Moomin burst into tears and crawled into my lap. He lost it and was sobbing “Why can’t he (the cat) come home! I loved him! ” And I then melted down myself and told everyone to go away. I yelled at Nukie’s sister to take him home. I hissed like a fucking medusa at Pilot’s mom that I was DONE… and was NOT able to take care of anyone else’s children any more tonight… and was in need of someone to take care of me… and the stupid woman was still staring at me like the world had ended and her pants were down around her ankles like “What now? who me?” So I bascially ordered her to take Peanut inside. The rest of her crew shuffled after her. Ooookay. not my finest moment. Then just as their sorry asses disappeared into the house an enormous car pulled into the driveway where i sat in my wheelchair with Moomin crying inconsolably in my lap (interspersed with him patting me and saying “That’s okay mom I understand” which broke my heart all worse) and I panicked and thought we were about to be run over. But it turned out to be the Acrobat who had seen me just fine. I panicked though. I have been minorly run over in a wheelchair twice before and it is scary. I believe we screamed at each other to fuck off. and i told him he could not be mad at me because i had just taken care of his kid for hours. Then i felt dumb and mean. And then apologized and hugged. I felt ashamed I had not coped better. I mean I had started out uncharitably despising other people for not coping, and then set out to cope with it all myself, and then lost it! DANG. at least 2 seconds after i lose my shit, i realize it, and pull myself together.

He went in to put Peanut to bed for realz and then came out to help me look for cats. I heard his tale of how horrible and freaky hospitals are, and the long wait for surgery to end which it didn’t when it should have because the tumor was not as clearly separated as they had thought. Then her time in the recovery area was also not going well. Probably they didnt let him in because she was still intubated or particularly messed up looking. So when they finally did, many hours later, she had a bad time coming out of anesthesia. this happend to me a bunch of times… a nightmare haze of hours of almost-conscious but unable to control anything, barfing, nauseous, splitting with pain, desperate. anyway i am so sorry that happened to her. but glad that the Acrobat was there to help her and it sound like he was an awesome advocate (as i would expect) and kept her covered with warm blankets and got her pain meds and anti-nausea meds. Which he noticed would not have happened if he had not been bugging people for them. If you are in the hospital ever, take as your advocate a person who is capable of great rationality and also who is very entitled 8-) It works great. Anyway the Acrobat is mega traumatized. no morphine for him. Only very annoying inlaws and a load of responsibility. he will process it with lots of people and get support for himself i feel sure. the pilot is likely in some extreme hazy misery. face pain really sucks. i remember wanting to shoot myself when i had that sinus operation. fucking hell. i could not walk, or chew, or move. but mine only took like 15 minutes. hers was 4 hours. the damage and pain must be nasty. I wish her much pain meds and peacefulness and as much quiet as possible and the least possible humiliation and intrusion and hospitally-dehumanization (ha). i was thinking to bring her a supply of earplugs, vaseline, minty chapstick, things that need not be chewed but that don’t suck, and i think there are ice packs you can break and they get cold so if she had a bunch she could just blow through them. Or do they get hot and you have to chill them specially? in any case i will bring her small comforts tomorrow. plus the cards from kids.

I’m so fried but drank a small glass of port and resolved to blog all this as a brain dump… and had a fun drunken possibly inappropriate but therefore superfun bitch session on chat with ptang and then to some random irc people and then wnodom and whump (i totally whined to the whole world) and felt better and then Rook came home. Whump made me smile by saying nicely about someone we know “He is fearless and willing to grant trust and expect people to do the right thing.” v. sweet and also true.

Lingering guilt from having slinked out of the poetry reading last night after I read my own stuff… which i have never done! now i have. instead of being overtly mad, D. wrote in the nicest way possible to call me a genius and apologize for exhausting me. i had been thinking it is about time i do not get away with murder for being the young turk but apparently not, i get a free ride a while longer to be annoying underachiever perhaps about to do something great but also an asshole.

Oh this on top of my early mornign haul-ass to the city, going to supernova, taking notes like a demon, being all thinky, and the doctor visit, after which i just wanted to cry for a while that there is no magic fix for me physically and i must keep working hard at rehab and suck it up.

My nephew T. has extreme back surgery tomorrow in Boston so wish him luck. Also send good thoughts to the Pilot.

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One Response to “Medical update; mild heroism led to heinous meltdown”

  1. minnie

    there is the kind that you crack and immedietly get cold. those are excellent. i had them in the hospital once. i do not know if you can get them commercially,.

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