Blogging boundaries, state of the badger

I am having trouble with my blogging boundaries lately. In part I have just been thinking too much about work, which I knew would eat my brain, and I decided to just go with that flow and see how it is. But mostly the lack of blogging is that my brain dumps end up being too private and so have gone either to LJ filters or straight to a plain text file. Also, I’m writing a bunch of poetry which doesn’t spill over into my blogging very well — I’m not sure why. It’s the wrong context. That isn’t the boundary problem though, it’s that I’m all in love and it feels like it can’t quite escape, because it would be rude. Squid nailed it at bad moms’ coffee the other day when she said “OHHH I can tell you are super happy in love because of how you look down when you talk about it. If you looked at me you would explode or something.” Not exactly what she said but the right idea. When I’m this on, I go on all the way and it feels hard to contain. And with poly, and with the complicated SF polyblob endogamy, it’s like being demonstrably too happy at particular moments can hurt or piss off other people. If I rave about Zond-7 does it make Rook feel dissed? It’s not like he doesn’t know anyway, but somehow blathering about it massively on the internet feels uncertain for me. And yet that’s what I *do in my default mode* — burble with overshare-boundaries on the Internet in order to try to say complicated things that don’t get said because of the reasons people (women) cling to privacy — so *not* doing it seems artificial and false. As I think over some of the stable poly relationships I know, a few of them established a sort of triad more or less at the same time. So A and C and J started up their thing all within months, and same for some others. I think Lori and her lads are more in my situation where 2 of them were together a long time and then black_pearl came into the relationship. Ideally your super happiness and your NRE spills over into other relationships rather than messing them up. NRE! What a boring term for love! It’s like going “Oh baby, be my ecstatic reciprocal limerent object!” Also I am a bit self conscious in more normal way, just of being madly in love within like 2 weeks or 2 days or whatever it was. That’s how things happened with Chulita too, so I’m not all that embarrassed – sometimes it happens and it would be bogus to expect love to develop on a particular schedule at a predetermined pace. Actually with Chulita I recall Leeanne being in the background like a good poly fairy, so she was saying things like “I think i love you, and that seems too soon to say it, but Leannne says it is dumb to not say it just because it’s too soon, if you’re feeling it.” So true! So Chulita and I were all dizzy and stuff, for months.

Yesterday I also had breakfast with Jo Spanglemonkey and we talked about all the unbloggable things and unbloggability. It fired me up and made me think I should leap back into this unfinished attempt to talk about Things.

Then I spent the day in cafes with my computer fiddling around with fun wiki projects and books, and got a somewhat relaxing but somewhat unsatisfactory pedicure and manicure, which I thought the point would be the massage part because that’s what their web site said, but instead the point turned out to be fiddling with fingernail polish which turned out to be the super ugliest french tips manicure ever. I have done better doing it myself, freehand! It looks like my hands were dipped in liquid paper and I still have hangnails! Oh well. My feet ended up feeling great though and I can just take off the ugly, already-chipping nail polish.

So last night me and xyzzy had dinner and it was super nice to see him and yet not unpainful. I think we will rewrite things or map out some new way of being friends though. Man, just as we were mostly done eating and chatting and about to launch into this sort of Talk About Things a giant group of loud street musicians came into the restaurant and began to serenade us and he totally headdesked. You know when you’re trying to get up the minor nerve to bust through a conversational wall? Well just at that moment at the end of sentence one, like punctuation. We giggled insanely for a bit, or at least I did. He said he was sorry things went how they did and that some of the stuff I had said or was upset about was very true. But other bits weren’t. Well, those were the bits I said in the heat of anger anyway and I apologized for them. But, I further pulled out my bitch card by saying that the times I got super mad and asserted boundaries and said that he was hurting my feelings, his super persuasiveness would only work up to a point. So what he was doing was preventing me from running away screaming… not keeping me in place… And I was backing off and backing off. There wasn’t really any fixing of the issues, for one thing because there wasn’t time made to look at them, but for another. And he was liking me more, just as I was backing off and also pissed off. So, we both ended up saying that we had liked each other and there was possibility, but on some levels just a mismatch and perhaps bad timing. On the sad side, for example it was hard to go into his house where I had thought maybe things would be one way, and there was the ghost of sadness that when it came down to it they just weren’t and instead my being in there made me feel unhappy and unincluded… and angry. So it was funny to sit on a persons couch nad think “Right here in this spot is where I was so pissed off at you I had to make an excuse and go away.” Sad! But also good that I can see that and be aware of it, and get over it and replace it with nicer memories. It’s really hard to talk about this without specifics. Plus, they all end up sounding retarded. But here is an example. There was a day months ago maybe in April where we were going to hang out late afternoon. But my plans changed and I was up in the city at 11am or something. So I gave a call thinking we would compare plans and see what was up. He and B were at brunch with a wad of people at someone’s house and actually a bunch of people I already knew and liked. And so automatically I was like “Oh fabulous I’ll come over” but he acted odd and evasive and basically disinvited me because he wasn’t “sure of the plan” and then as I pushed further what that meant (in confusion) that he didn’t want to invite me to someone else’s house. We hung up and 2 seconds later I called him back to go “You know, that just really hurt my feelings and made me mad. If you want space to hang with B without me, say so, though we only see each other once a week at best. And if you actually wanted me around you would look up from the phone and say “hey can badger come over” and voila I would be invited, because I’m nice. ” I felt that maybe that whole group of people didn’t like me and he knew it and was hiding it from me. I explained this, and listened to the theory of it being a cultural difference, etc. But already we had spent more time on the phone talking about how and why I couldn’t come over than it would have taken for me to arrive there, and it must have been rude and weird enough for him to have this cagey or private conversation while at their house. So none of it made sense to me. I was confused and furious. One very tiny minor incident, from months of (to me) similar ones. This kind of feeling would happen almost every time we tried to see each other. There was always some invisible boundary I was crossing and I couldn’t understand it, and didn’t want to accept it whatever it was. From my perspective it was like being in a separate category from xyzzy’s normal friends, who could just drop by any time and who would be welcomed. And things like I could not stay at his place and he couldn’t stay at mine because of boundaries in his relationship. (Blamed on B, which was unfair and not necessarily the whole truth.) Then, my being pissed off would be sort of pathologized and I would turn into this needy pissed off irrational person so that that was my function and xyzzy’s was to explain away my feelings and soothe me. NOT a good recipe! So in case anyone is curious, that sort of dynamic is why I could never go beyond “we’re dating” with him. He could glimpse my reality when actually talking with me. But his own reality field was solidly different, solidified.

It reminds me a little of how painful it would be when Chulita would email or call me and be all bubbly. “Ohhhh come come come my gossamer butterfly genius we’ll flounce around the town like bounding tigers in our miniskirts and conquer the world in the sun holding hands reading comic books writing stories” Which sounded like heaven. But I’d get there and she’d be angsty, bitchy, tense, upset at something else entirely, working on a deadline, have a headache, be unable to change her schedule to accommodate me being there as anything other than a disruption, and it would feel like our dream selves who had fun (and who often DID have fun like that) dissolved for me painfully and yet in an okay way; but for her they’d dissolve so guiltily that she would become angry at me for being perhaps faintly disappointed. Ah well! I could not live only for the rare moments of being intersecting tigers. I wanted to figure out how to actually exist together. I think we never quite got there in a sustainable way. Her guilt and anger were not expressible and so she would be a little bit bitchy and mean to me, to which I respond by either being deliberately callous or by feeling desperate inside to fix or please a person. A bad dynamic. She was right in most of what she said in our breakup, and I see that we are better as friends…

So, then, there are so many other complicated bits which I have been leaving out. I knew that xyzzy and Zond-7 were friends and had this history of Zond-7 dating women who had been dating his friend, often (jokingly but wrongly) phrased as Zond-7 stealing xyzzy’s women. Apparently in this view of history I am stolen ex # 4 which you can imagine causes some comment and teasing. So it was particularly hard for xyzzy to see me get together with Zond-7. Perhaps again if one had waited a respectable amount of time or had a completely clean clear break and then the required-by-society waiting period of, I dunno, several weeks at least, before starting to date anyone else. Instead, I started talking with Zond-7 about computery things, and we just hit it off instantly and started talking a lot and got very interested. And I think seeing that interest in myself made me realize I had to clarify what I was doing with other people and whether I was even trying to keep dating xyzzy and I realized I wasn’t, in fact there had been a wall I hit in early june, but it was still painful or sad to just let go of the idea. Oh! And let’s not forget that Zond-7 was really recently broken up with Y. And that Q made that amazing wiki about how he was so crazy that he required intervention, an open secret I have not mentioned till now, but which I will say, I hated as soon as I heard it and before I even knew him. (And I heard it from like 10 different sources.) But I will put it down to Q and Z’s long complicated messy breaking up of their very intense marriage and won’t judge it. I am just happy they all get along well on the co-parenting front and don’t screw up their kid; they are awesome even in the middle of super intense sadness and anger. Anyway, back to a month ago. I was vaguely flirting with many people. Frankly I was wondering if there was anyone in the world as nice and interesting and smart as vito_excalibur, since she is taken, and trying not to pine after her or be lost in a crush. But it was not that bad a crush and I figured it was a good sign that there *were* more fabulous people in the world and my heart was lively and ready for action. Also, I felt pretty frisky physically compared to the last few months of being crippled, and so was cruising the world looking for some fun that would not break my heart. BUT. In the meantime, Zond-7 and I were like “okay let’s go meet up since we are talking constantly online and our conversational intimacy has far surpassed our knowledge of each other in person, which feels odd. And maybe it will be a date but maybe we will realize we want to be friends.” Man I will never forget him on the sidewalk going “Well the thing is I lost my keys” and me going “Um… Hmmmm. Well that sucks.” And him looking at my somewhat slyly and saying “You’re wondering right now if I really lost my keys or if I’m just saying that because I’m really neurotic and don’t want to bring you back to my apartment.” Spot on. “Well yes I am. Did you? Are you?” “No, I really lost my keys!” But you can see how this charmed me completely that he could see into my head and would just say so. We obtained his spare keys. (I wanted to make out with him, and would not, could not, in the car. And we had the weird experience of our fingers touching and then raging certainty that more must happen immediately.) That was a month ago! A couple of days after our first date I was way far lost and was raving to my friends like whump about space helmets and breathing the air of other planets. We are both very talkative emotionally volatile somewhat codependent-leaning people and thus things are just really fast to develop. So we go through this wild thing of finishing each others’ sentences, etc. “I never remember song lyrics!” “Me neither but I sing them anyway really half assed!” “Me too!” “I made you a mix cd and then couldnt stop and was already making you another one but i figured i should space them out so as not to look psycho!” “Oh my god! ME TOO!” “Suddenly I keep noticing gender issues!” “Suddenly I care a whole lot more about digital rights!” “I love John McFee!” “OMG I’ve always wanted to BE John McFee!” “I think pair programming is hot!” “Oh baby i’ll go back to Perl for you!” “No that’s okay I’ll totally learn Python!” “No, both!” “When I was little I used to imagine aliens invading and putting everyone in my school in cages and you know, uh” “OMG this is going to sound nuts, but ME TOO.” It goes on from there but I’ll spare you. I stopped caring about cruising anyone else because I am immersed and have not come up for air very much. We are trying to be civilized around other people but it’s difficult because of the intense impulse to babble, gaze sappily at each other, or be making out every second. Mostly I am just going around being really happy. And all the things that could be problems just aren’t. It all seems easy and do-able. I feel so… seen and appreciated. Our expectations for a relationship mesh really really well. We have room for each other in both our lives. We seem good for each other (which is my real definition of love; what is happening on a practical level and is it good for everyone?) And meanwhile Rook is happy that I’m happy, a bit wobbly but capable of compersion, and likes Zond-7, and we will see what kind of groove we settle into. Rook takes a long time to warm to people and to get to know and to get to know other people, I think from being naturally somewhat reserved (in the way of believing in the value of being reserved, rather than from being shy.) Oh, also, there is Mina. I groove on her, and she and Moomin get along very well. And our parenting styles are compatible though I keep a little bit firmer of a structure around bedtime, with exceptions. But my point is there are a lot of compatibilities and I am happier than I had imagined was possible, and it seems like things could only get nicer.

One Response to “Blogging boundaries, state of the badger”

  1. lisa

    hurray! i totally get that reluctance to write about it but it is so nice to see you all happy and bubbly!

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