Roller coaster of pain and meds

I’m on a weird roller coaster this week. I take the Lyrica at night, and it takes away some of the nerve pain, while making me feel kind of stoned. Also, the cramps or spasticity in my legs increases, which is a different kind of pain – or, I just notice it more because the other pain lessens. In the morning, I’m still groggy from the drug. My arms and legs feel weaker and I don’t have any energy or oomph in me, physically or mentally. By afternoon, I’m alert and feel a bit better. The nerve pain starts to zoom back up, but it’s really nice to feel mentally and emotionally more “myself”. Towards evening I am dying to take another pill to squash the nerve pain.

It’s really weird, like different bits of myself are awake at different times.

I am doing nothing but minimum of caring for kids, lying in bed, and idly reading. I can’t seem to focus much. I react, and think, but the thoughts don’t gather up into action or resolve.

It feels best to just keep my leg very warm under the electric blanket. Then the aching is so much better.

Yesterday I decreased the meds by half (with an okay from the doctor).

So, I tried to back out of all my work commitments for the next week. That is stressful in itself, but better than letting people down while trying to insist I can do things that I can’t manage.

Instead I will just go to my doctor appointments and try to adjust to the meds. I’ll go to rehab, if I can drive or find someone to take me and decant me and the chair from the car & stuff me back in again.

The doctor wants me to increase the dosage steadily, which worries me. If I keep upping the dose every week, it’ll take me much longer to get used to it.

Already I notice I feel a bit more alert, and the tremor didn’t last more than 2 days. I am sort of stuttering, or unable to make words come out, sometimes, talking. That is uncomfortable but I figure that too might wear off.

Then, I am hoping I don’t have to be on this drug for too long. I wouldn’t have needed it for the pain I had a couple of weeks ago, which I could live with! And was living with!

There is a hard feeling of being a slacker, and giving up, just when I want to prove myself even more — the more I am in pain or disabled, the more I want to prove I can do anything and everything.

I also feel very out of control of things right now, and like I don’t know how to predict what is happening physically.

The Lyrica makes my arms and mid back weaker. That’s upsetting and difficult to face, and spikes up all the fears that I am having over the weird news that the spinal cord injury is so high up.

I worry about MS, I worry about work, I worry about daily life, about degenerative things, losing more arm function or strength, about driving with my leg like this. About whether the way I limp has hurt my injury further, and whether I’ve pushed myself too hard; about whether I am lying in bed too much and am not trying hard enough.

I’m really sorry I’m letting people down…

I hope I’m doing the right things.

Back to another mystery novel from the stack that Iris sent. It is about my mental speed right now & is very comforting. I liked the Peter Wimsey one, and the Michael Innes one called The Journeying Boy. But the Christianna Brand one, Green for Danger, was so poisonously sexist that I could barely stand to finish it; though so many of the characters were women and it was all set around nurses in a military hospital, none of the women ever talked to each other (or anyone else) about anything other than Catching a Man. I could slap Brand for the ending 2 pages which enraged me even through a warm layer of Lyrica.

That stuff, it’s like butter all around my leg nerves and the stripe of burning pain. When it starts to wear off, the return of the pain is super hard to bear, and I’m not sure that it’s not harder to have it come and go, than it is to just have it all the time. It’s like the ache of ice water, like my leg being filled up with ice and fire and needles pricking from the inside.

I stand up periodically hoping that it will help, and because I get sick of sitting and lying down. I can do it hanging onto a table or desk. I have to put a lot of weight on my arms, but that hurts too and feels scary. My right leg is noodly. I can move it, but it just folds up if weight goes on it. My left leg is not too great, but mostly can stay stiff. But if I try to bear weight on it while it’s bent, it also folds up.

That’s all. I have more to say about books, especially to make fun of the middle bits of Ga10m3 (which I liked much of) where happy collaborative love-commune space hippies conquer bad asteroidal pirates by the power of yelling loud. I cannot stop snickering and going “GAYome”. I think the author maybe will lose the “Make, Slashdot, and Wired” crowd he says is his imagined audience. I swear to god it’s like he’s describing Tiptree’s lesbian clone goat farm. But with the added hilarity of generations of hammock-weaving asteroidal villagers with no ambition to leave or travel — plus the space pirates. Join my blogome! Interstellar blogging will defeat the Empire! Our amazing microwave-radiating lolcats will drive you craaaaayzeeeeee!

Technorati Tags: , ,

2 Responses to “Roller coaster of pain and meds”

  1. Donna

    There’s no such thing as letting people down in a situation like this. NOT taking care of yourself would be so much worse.
    I’m so sorry you are having to deal with so much pain. I hope you get some real relief SOON.

  2. Pretty Lady

    Which Peter Wimsey was it? I’ve read them all! Including the one that Dorothy L. Sayers only got halfway through writing before she died, and someone else finished writing it for her. You could scarcely see the join.

Leave a Reply